


Ichigo's Infinite(ly better than IchiHime) Pairings

by CraftAsher28



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Don't Judge Me, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 13:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11419170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CraftAsher28/pseuds/CraftAsher28
Summary: Orhime and Ichigo together in the Epilogue replaced by everyone and anyone else and Ichigo. ANYONE.First, obviously, the “more than friend, less than lover” gets an upgrade.





	Ichigo's Infinite(ly better than IchiHime) Pairings

**Author's Note:**

> I am NOT anti-Orihime. Let’s be clear. I think she is funny, cute, and very sweet. My problem, is that while I am pro-Orihime, I am anti-Ichihime. (Shameless Ulquihime shipper) It’s just, having a character who shows no interest WHATSOEVER in another character who is crushing on them is fine. What is not fine is that character friend-zoning the other and then we get the “fact” that a decade later they are (presumably) married and have a kid. (A cute kid, I’ll admit it). Out of nowhere. WTF Kubo-sensei. Ugggghhh.  
> Okay, so yeah, this is a temper-tantrum fic. Deal with it. I am going to just super-impose other characters over Orihime and see what my head creates. By “other characters” of course what I mean is “every character who gets a single line in the manga besides Orihime. Even those who would be worse than Ichihime, those who would have the same reasons I hate Ichihime, and crack pairings.” If you also want to see that, then click the next chapter button. If not, click the BACK button.  
> Spoilers. There won’t really be any order. Sorry.

“Wha- HEY!!! What the hell are you even doing in here you little turd!?!” Squawked Hiyori from across the room. He had simply walked through the door when he felt some weird feeling that got stronger as he got closer to the warehouse. She looked peeved, but Takehiko knows she wouldn’t dare hit him like she does his dad. She always threatens him, but never follows through with anything worse than a wedgie.  
“Get outta here before I punt you back home brat!!” She roared. Takehiko didn’t want another wedgie so he decided to book it out of the warehouse. The feeling he had was gone anyway, so maybe he’d ask Mom what it was. He saw his aggressor take a threatening step towards him and dashed past her, making sure to step on her foot on the way out. Her shouts of pain and rage were music to his ears.  
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“YO!” A shout came from outside Kurosaki Clinic. Passerby on the street turned to stare at the loud foreigner. He looked like the shady type, bright red hair and a weird clothes. They passed it off as a western thing, and hoped that Kurosaki would handle him like he does all other troublemakers in the neighborhood. “ICHIGO! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! I CAN FEEL YOUR REITSU YOU PRI-” He was cut off as the door shot open and felt the air escape his lungs as a fist buried itself into his diaphragm.  
“SHUT UP!! THIS IS A CLINIC, NO YELLING!!” An irate Ichigo yelled back, before following up on his punch to launch the redhead back onto his ass. He laid there, trying to catch his breath and looked up at his assailant. He was even taller, although not much, and whatever teenage baby fat or leanness he had left at seventeen had disappeared in exchange for muscle mass and definition. His once spikey orange locks now more gently framed the sides of his face, reaching his cheekbones on the front and the base of his neck in the back. Those determined honey-brown eyes lost some of their hardness in the years lacking impending doom or feelings of worthlessness, now much softer and shining with badly hidden amusement. It was the eyes that betrayed the hard frown and furrowed brow on the man as he glared down at the other man.  
“Asshole.”  
“Shaddup.” Ichigo pulled the man to his feet before the grin broke out on his face. “You’re early is all. Rukia ain’t even here yet, Renji.” Renji let out a laugh as Ichigo led him into the house. The entryway led to the living/dining room, and Ichigo sat down on the white couch in front of the flatscreen television.  
“Where is the little terror?”  
“He should be heading back home from exploring.” Ichigo said, offhandedly. Renji furrowed his eyebrows at the man.  
“You aren’t worried? What if a hollow shows up? You know his power can and will draw them to him like yours did.” All of a sudden Renji felt an impact on the back of his head, rocketing him off the couch and face-first onto the carpet.  
“Are you implying that my Takehiko can’t handle himself against a hollow?” Questioned the owner of the foot currently planting itself into his back. He tried to put his arms under himself and push himself back up, but was quickly stomped back onto the floor.  
“Goddamnit, Rukia! Let me up!” He felt the weight disappear and scrambled to his feet and backed away from the beast. She stood there looking down at him imperiously, long silky hair curling out from behind her back. Even though she only came up to his chest, she somehow managed to look down at him ever since Ichigo helped her reach captain-hood before Renji himself did.  
“Hey there, babe. You get the stuff?” Ichigo asked her. Unfortunately, his good humor seemed to be lost on his better half as her smirk slid off her face and she growled at her husband.  
“Hmmf!” She glared at him from beneath her bangs. “Of course I did!! You think I’d forget something so important! You idiot.” She set down her purchases on the couch and swept some rebellious strands of hair off her shoulder in preparation for the oncoming fight. She wasn’t the only one who knew what was about to happen, as Renji (in)discretely backed away from the “collateral damage zone”.  
Ichigo’s easy grin morphed into a much more familiar scowl as he raised his hackles. “I was only asking to keep the conversation going, you dwarf! I get that someone without basic social interaction skills might get confused, but why don’t you try to keep up instead of insulting me?”  
“EXCUSE ME?!”  
“You heard me, finger-food!”  
“THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!”  
“What doesn’t make sense IS HOW SOMEONE CAN’T GROW AN INCH IN TEN YEARS!!”  
“I’M DEAD, YOU ASSHOLE!”  
“BITCH!”  
“IGNORANT TH-.”  
Renji closed the door as quietly as he could behind him as he escaped. He knew they’d be at it for a while, so he decided to find his godson. Ichigo and Rukia might not be worried, but the last time he saw the runt he barely came up to his knee, that, and the kid was only five years older now. Besides, it would be another hour or so until the rest showed up, and he didn’t really want to spend an hour alone with the maniacs. He started walking towards where he felt the kid’s energy and contemplated the two he could still hear across the street.  
Separate from each other they were his two best friends. He would die for them. Renji also knew they felt the same for him and that they loved each other. Unfortunately, their decision to start acting on their badly-hid sexual tension did nothing to quench their weird fetish for being abusive towards each other. Needless to say, Renji was both grossed out and irritated when they started arguing. Which was every time they were within hearing distance of each other.  
They claimed they didn’t have any other agenda for it when Renji spoke his thoughts aloud. At first he was just joking, and told them so. Now though, unless one of their family members were around, or they were in public, eight times out of ten their spats ended with a different kind of battle. He felt icky when they argued now, as if he was being a voyeur, so he usually scooted and skedaddled once the fourth insult was thrown.  
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“Hello there, little boy.” Takehiko stopped walking and turned to look at the speaker. He had a green coat and hat and was carrying a walking cane, and had blond hair that looked like it was trying to escape the horrors underneath the hat. His stubble looked patchy and he gave a wide grin.  
On his arm he had a pretty lady with dark skin and gold eyes. She was smiling at him from where she stood slightly behind the man.  
“Uh. Hey.” Takehiko said, not really wanting to talk to these weirdos. He was already running late to the clinic, and his dad probably thought he was getting lost. He backed up, but the man made a step towards him and the woman grinned real wide at him. Narrowing his eyes, he waited till the creeper reached out a hand for his shoulder. Before he could be grabbed, Takehiko put all his strength into his kick and aimed right for the sweet meats.  
He turned tail and fled. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that wouldn’t stop the guy for long if he was determined, and he had to worry about the woman, too. Takehiko didn’t hear any sounds of pursuit, but he did hear the sounds of someone dying. He turned to look back and saw the man lifeless on the ground, but he wasn’t the one making those horrible noises. His partner-in-crime was currently rolling around on the floor in tears, only stopping long enough to take a shuddering breath before starting again.  
Not wanting any part of their strangeness, he turned his head back ahead of him only to see a wall of color. Crashing into it, he was surprised when it gave under him and he was caught in someone’s arms instead of breaking his nose.  
“UNHAND ME!” He shouted, realizing that there was actually a team of people who were trying to kidnap him. He knew they made the mistake of trying it in a public place, though. “HELP!!! SOMEONE HE-” A hand firmly holding his shouts in shut him up. Too late, as pedestrians turned to see what Takehiko was screaming for, only to see a red-haired man pick him up and carry him off. They all thought about calling the police, but decided someone else must have already done it.  
“Shhhhh.” Renji tried to calm down the flailing boy in his grip to no avail. The boy stopped trying to push away his hand, and instead pulled it further to his mouth. Then he sunk in his teeth. “GODDAMNIT YOU PIECE OF SHI-CRAP!!!” Renji tore his hand out of his mouth and waved it wildly, splattering blood all over the both of them.  
He saw the kid about to scream again and told him what he had been trying to say since Takehiko ran into him. “Look kid, I know your mom and dad, okay? I just wanted to check up on you when you ran into me.”  
Takehiko narrowed his eyes at him but thankfully didn’t scream. They stared at each other uncomfortably for a few minutes.  
“Why did you put your hand over my mouth?” He interrogated Renji, who adopted a sheepish expression.  
“Well you started screaming, so…. what were you running so fast for anyway, huh?” At this Takehiko wildly spun his head behind and around them to make sure that they were alone.  
“Some people tried to grab me, and I only barely got away; I thought you were with them.” Takehiko said, which was as close to an apology as Renji was going to get, and both knew it.  
“Someone tried to grab you!” Renji gripped Takehiko’s shoulders and dropped to his knee, getting eye level with the kid. “Can you describe them? Ichigo and I will make sure they never get near you again.” He tried to assure the boy.  
“Yeah. One of them was a dark-skinned lady. The other looked like a creeper.” Takehiko said helpfully.  
“….Urahara.” Renji smacked his forehead. Takehiko startled and took a step away from him.  
“You know that guy!!!” He shouted at the man.  
“Yeah, he’s harmle-… uh, he won’t hurt y-…” Renji looked down at Takehiko and sighed through his nose before ruffling the spikey black locks. He got a fierce scowl as payment. “We should get you home now. You parents are there.” Takehiko looked unsure for a moment before taking Renji’s hand and leading him to the clinic.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“C’mon Tatsuki!!! We’re going to be late to see Ichigo! It’s been forever! Aren’t you excited? I’m excited. Are you finished yet? I am! Why didn’t you get up early like I did so we could be ready faster? I wonder how much they’ve changed. Oooohh, I am going to whip up something really quick as a gift!!!” The spritely woman danced around a significantly less enthused woman who was lounging on a couch with a cup of coffee watching a rerun of “Ghost-Bust: The Next Generation”.  
“Hime, we have plenty of time. And you know your cooking is not palatable to other people, so just let me finish my coffee, okay?” The woman slurped from her cup contentedly as Orihime spun in a quick circle, making her short orange hair bounce around her shoulders as her grey eyes sparkled in excitement.  
“No way!! I know Ichigo-san loves my baking, as does Rukia-chan!” She shouted, throwing on a pink apron. “I’ll bake some cookies for them!!!”  
Tatsuki just slurped her coffee again and turned back to her program, scratching at her short black hair, used to her Hime’s hyper activeness.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He slung his guitar case over his shoulder as he exited the airport. It felt pretty nice to be back in his birth country, even if everyone stared at him. He pulled his phone out of his pants pocket, and checked the time, 8:45am. Luckily, there had been no delays, and he was early for the party. It would be good to see the Kurosakis again. He missed them, and his other friends.  
Looking out over the sea of hair and the occasional hat, the giant headed for the clinic.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Doctor! Doctor? … Sir?” A nurse said as she barged into the new doctor’s office. He had taken the day off, but was called back for an emergency as they were understaffed that day. She had a new patient who needed immediate attention and Doctor Ishida was the most qualified doctor currently free. He wasn’t responding to his pager so she went directly to his office. “He isn’t here? Where did he go?”  
Something seemed off, though about the room. She realized what and walked over to close the opened window before anymore of his papers could get knocked off his desk. “I thought he never opened the window because of allergies? Whatever, I need to find the elusive bastard.” She talked to herself as she strode out of his office to search.  
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“Mizurio, why are you stalling!?” Whined a curly brown haired man as he dragged his texting friend by the arm towards the bus stop.  
“Keigo. We are not going to miss them, okay. I just need to tell Ryu-san that I can’t meet up with her today.” Protested the gentle-looking man, furiously typing away as the two waited for their transportation. He looked over at his unusually quiet companion, surprised to see the ponderous look on his face. “Uh. Keigo-san? Are you okay?” Mizurio asked.  
“Huh? I’m fine. It’s just… ten years. That is a long time to not see someone, y’know?” Keigo asked his friend.  
Mizurio waited before answering, in order to show that he was taking his friend seriously for once. He heard something in his tone that worried him. “I do. It’s been the same amount of time for me. For all of us.” He stopped to let his words hit home. “We both know why. Do you feel abandoned or something?” Mizurio questioned, concerned.  
In high school, Keigo was often the butt of the joke. The punching bag. He didn’t mind it, as he knew he asked for a lot of the misfortune heaped upon him, and every knuckle-sandwich had an aftertaste of affection. He returned from his contemplation to answer his friend, “What? No. I would be the first to ditch you losers for a girl, after all.” Keigo regained his usual grin, “I don’t fault our strawberry at all, just wondering what other adventures he was getting himself into in the afterlife.”  
Mizurio silently studied the other man for a long while. They waited in comfortable silence for a few minutes as he collected his thoughts. When he opened his mouth to respond, a grey bus pulled up to the side of the road and Keigo stepped in. Mizurio watched him go before following


End file.
